Vote or Die?

Apparently there is some kind of election going on.  I am very confused because I thought we already had one of those recently.  I guess the office of supreme chancellor, or whatever it is called, of the United States only lasts for a couple years.  I don’t know how we can expect our dictator to do anything if they are only allowed to work for eight years.  I mean Castro was in charge of Cuba for like fifty years, but I think that they are on the metric system so that is like 215 years in the US, I am a little fuzzy on my conversions, anyway,  he had at least 200 years and barely even got started on anything.  So I guess I have to go through the grueling process of deciding who to vote for.  I hope this guy lasts longer than the last guy, if he rules for less than fifty metric years I am going to be pretty pissed.  The best way to decide who to vote for is to look at the arguments against each candidate and see who has the better argument.  I will now frame the arguments as I understand them.  

So apparently there is an old man named McCain and he wants to destroy the economy and keep us in a war for 100 years (not sure if that is metric or not).  I am not sure why he wants to destroy the economy but I guess he must really like rich people because he wants to give them all of the money.   I heard that if we elect him all the rich will just get richer and the poor people will all die or something.  The poor people will die pretty fast because he also does not want to give anyone health care.  This could be a huge problem.  If all the poor people die that will make the middle class the new poorest people.  Then McCain would probably want those new poor people to die.  By the end of his reign all that would be left would be McCain, Bill Gates, Bono and Claire from Heroes, she is indestructible so McCain’s duplicitious scheme does not effect her.  But they would have a problem too because I heard that McCain also wants to destroy the environment.  It would not do any good to kill all the poor people because everyone left is going to die anyway when McCain implodes the earth. 

I guess there is another chioce, but it seems just as dire.  There is a young man named Barack Obama and I heard that he is a sercet Muslim.  I also heard that he is a huge fan of abortion, being gay, never going to war, and he wants to take money from the rich people and give it to the poor people.  I read in a letter from the future* that he wants to shut down the Boy Scouts, form an all gay military, shut down all churches and let whoever wants to invade us come right in.  So according to my unbiased, objective sources if Obama get elected a number of things would happen.  First, all the rich people would become poor because he would take all their money and give it to the poor, who would probably just spend it all on lottery tickets anyway, and then every one would be poor.  Then, once everyone was poor and there was no one to pay taxes, all of Obama’s secret Muslim friends would invade the US and we could do nothing about it because we would have no money to fund our all gay army.  And then we would all die.  

I remember a few years ago that nice Puff Daddy…P.Diddy…Sean Combs fellow told us to vote or die.  He should have said vote which way to die.  Because apparently whoever you vote for you will surely die.  So I am going to write in a candidate.  One that would never try to kill me. This year I am going to vote iPhone for the new King of the US.  I mean could we get a better King, that thing is awesome! 

*http://focusfamaction.edgeboss.net/download/focusfamaction/pdfs/10-22-08_2012letter.pdf